Turkey Day thoughts

Not exactly sure how many actual thoughts will be in this post, rather me bitching about stuff.

Thanksgiving Day: I mostly enjoy this day. I like eating, I like football and I like being around family. Here's the problem, my mother in law must bring up my husbands ex-wife at every family get together. A couple years ago she would actually call me her name. It's been 6 years, let it go, please. She took us to dinner a few weeks ago for our anniversary and told us there would be no more family vacations to the beach. Let me tell you how relieved that made me. Every time was a disaster for me personally. The second year I went, His sisters ended up berating me for his divorce and him (at the time) being a drunk idiot, sided with them. This was also the year he ended up feeling all over his sisters tits while she allowed it. So, lets just say every year is a challenge for me.

While I like his mom, I think she tries really hard to be a good mother and grandmother, I have some issues. I think she puts on 'airs' (a good show). She likes to play Matriarch and she might be, I've never seen one in real life but it seems you might guide your kids a little better.

That brings me to her daughters. The dark haired one has always played nice since the first time I met her. No matter what her feelings were about my husbands previous life, she kept it low key. (Except for that one beach trip) She has 3 kids and a husband. They struggle but with 3 kids that seems normal. My one issue with them is they have dogs that they don't care for. They are mostly outside or locked in a sun porch. They recently got a puppy and of course I was against it, but not my business. I think he's 6 months now but he is skinny and has no manners. No time spent with him. I HATE that shit. Don't have a pet if you aren't gonna take time with him. Here is an example (this is my dog)

Ok, on to the blonde. We have had problems from the start, she didn't like me so therefore I found her to be a bitch. She said shit on that beach trip that made me pack up and leave early, without my husband. She is married to a black guy but both her children are incredible pale white. Hmm. She has started to warm up to me but I'm wary. Her husband however is pretty cool albeit an alcoholic but that's ok.

I have tried from the very get go to involve these people in my life but it seems at every turn I am denied so I play this weird limbo thing whilst around them. Like the ghost of his ex-wife is always there, it seems I must try to be as great as her.

Funny, I was recently helping a friend with a problem and he was having this same issue. He had the memory of how great things were even tho in reality, yes there were good times, it wasn't ALWAYS great. And that's how they make this woman out, like she is a saint. But my husband has told me stories so I know better.

And one more item before I go....the mashed potatoes were NOT homemade.....enough said.

Lessons on love

Someone flirted with me last night. Ok, it was via Twitter but still, haha. It made me feel kinda alive. I've always been flirty but have toned it waaaay down because my husband is offended by it. But you know what I realized last night, I enjoy flirting.
Now let's be serious, there is no one I would rather spend my time and life with then my husband, but I don't think flirting is a big deal. My husband maintains it gives people (men) the wrong idea. And I say not my problem. I think my flirting is very innocuous. I just do it to have fun and add flavor to my personality. I don't want to follow thru on any of the flirting.
My husband flirts too, although probably not that much in front of me anymore since we both seem to have issues with the other flirting, but I know he does. And why shouldn't he, he is a fine looking man and I believe in my heart he would never follow thru on it.
It just makes the spirit feel good. Think back to a time when you flirted with someone and they flirted back.....how did you feel? I bet you felt on top of the world.
Here is where I think the problem lies.... flirting feels good and we want to keep that feel good feeling so we move forward, trying to get more and more. Some of us lack self control and go to far. Like drinking, I can stop at 3 drinks/beers/whatever. But I know people who drink until they either pass out or get sick. Too much of a good thing.
Also I think we have become an instant gratification society, want it, get it, use it, throw it away. I give props to people who are loyal and faithful to one another for years and years. It's hard, there are so many choices and so many people willing to do anything for a small amount of attention. Reminds me of something I heard a guy say once, 'Fat girls try harder' (Please reader, do not take offense) and they have to, right? I say we all should try harder. I once had something that was the real deal and I threw it away for a small nothing. Very foolish. And do you know how it started? Flirting. But I want to make clear, that although there are times when I am dumb, I have learned from that tragic mistake and will never make it again.
As for flirting, to me, that's all it is. No promise of something better or more fun, but innocent 'haha' fun.
I'll never again be tricked by that feel good feeling.

Who stirred my brain with a crazy straw??

I had my son all last week and he let slip that his dad had a bachelor party the week before. When he told me I didn't think much about it but now that he's left it's all I think about!! I seriously don't have a clue what the fuck is wrong with me. Before I go to sleep I am thinking of ways to sabotage their wedding (yes i fucking googled it). I have never even thought about his girlfriend (a bit in the beginning but I know what that was) or him and them being together. I mean I've asked Trev if she is nice to him and stuff like that but that was it.
Now I feel like I have lost my shit. And honestly I don't know what to do.

UPDATE:
I texted him this long old text of crazy today.Just random shit I had gotten upset about a different times through out the years but all at once. He told me to relax. I said ok. What is wrong with me. I mean I have a good marriage and I feel like I want to sabotage both of our lives again.
Why am I such a nut case?

So...

The Dr. still has no clue what's going on with me. I went to my primary care dr. yesterday and he gave me some medicine to try and also told me if it was my heart it woulda given out by now so that's good news I guess?
In other news......fml

Heart attacks and other non-important stuff

I have no clue of men. I mean I have no knowledge of how they work, how to understand them or how to pretend like I do. My husband keeps telling me it's because of my parents. They never talked to me. The yelled at me, hit me and general ignored my being unless I was somehow hindering their life.
I went to the ER yesterday after work because I had been having chest pains the entire day (still have them fyi) and my left arm has been numb since Sunday. I let my husband know that was my plan and went. They asked me who was with me when I arrived at the hospital and I said no one. They asked me if I drove myself there and I said yes and then, I was struck with the most incredible sense of loneliness I have ever had in my life. I realized that no matter how much YOU love someone, they are never going to love you like you love them.
My ex-husband loved me like I love my current husband and my current husband? Well who really knows who he loved like I love him. And this brings me to my opening sentance. I am was alone in the ER for 4 hours, and when I called my husband to tell him they wanted to admit me to the hospital, he said 'want me to bring you anything?'. So I declined being admitted and drove myself home. What does that mean? Did he even give a fuck that I might be dying and he might never get to say a proper goodbye to me? I just don't understand. I mean I get the whole 'men don't show emotion like women' thing but couldn't he at least show me he gives a fuck? Even a little one? Am I over analyzing this? I don't know. I do know that I left the hospital to go home because I was lonely and even tho I felt like he could care less whether I lived or died, I wanted to make the loneliness go away. I came home and he was playing Xbox and had little interest in my being, so I went upstairs and went to bed.
As I climbed into bed alone, I realized I am chasing a dream. I gave up the person who loved me like I wanted to be loved because I was so busy chasing a dream I didn't see it until I didn't have it anymore.

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.
Buddha

Tired

I really wish I could find another job. I hate my boss. She is such a bitch. She will make mistakes and I will correct them but if I make one it becomes a federal case! And the mistakes I make are correctable and some of them she should be double checking anyway because that's her job! But no. She talks to me like I am a dog and she is one of the biggest bullies I have ever met. She should in no way be in a position of power and no matter how many times I have talked to HR about the situation they always tell me to find a way to work with her. Can you believe that shit??
One day she stood in my doorway and screamed at me. HR said Well try to find a way to work with her. Ugh!!

Sometimes..

Update: Jan just told me after a month and 1/2 she has moved in with her BF Drew....

Her daughter who is 9 is living with her and him but not her son who is 16. He lives with 'friends' she said...

She has a house in a different town and I believe she is gonna let it get repossesed. I asked if she was gonna sell it. She said no she 'was' trying to rent it.

I am so confused by some humans...thought ya'll might like that update.

Nine-Eleven

So, Tuesday my husband and I spent the day at the Uproar Festival in

Raleigh NC. It was awesome!! We saw so many great bands! I got to meet and get a picture with Thousand Foot Krutch! Omg! So exciting for me! They are super nice guys too!

Anyway, I want to bitch about an old skool practice I saw going on. I

was standing at the back gate, where the bands walk by so I could see Sully from Godsmack and get his pic, maybe. As I stood there this guy walked up with 4 women. I looked at him and he had a shirt on that said 'Horneytown Fire Dept'. He walked into the gate and turned to the big guy guarding it and said '4'. And then I watched these four whores (and I am just using that word because they were definitely gonna be fucking back there) walk by. That's when I got pissed off. I had some bit of respect for Sully, I mean I saw Godsmack in a tiny venue in Daytona with a couple of my friends about 12 years ago. I could touch him, I might have....they were playing with this other band who I think was called STP-9000 or something like that. Anyway, I really hope that he wasn't part of that whole slutty crew. One of the girls had a drum stick that I just saw get thrown from the stage by the drummer of Godsmack so I know they were being led back to that band. What I want to know is just because these girls look good does not mean that they can hold any kind of conversation, don't you want to talk to the person a bit before she sucks you off?? I mean I'm not a guy so I don't know these things.

I dunno, maybe as I get older I think that is a bit cliche. I mean you hear about it but I never thought I'd see it first hand. Maybe it's just me getting older....I have to ask myself I guess, if I had fake boobs, weighed 2 pounds, was 20 years younger and had hair extensions would I go back stage if I was picked out of the crowd? And my answer is yes, dammit. And all that does is re-affirm to me that I was/am jealous of those bitches! Dammit!

Not because I want to have sex with the band, no. I just want to meet those guys, say hai, talk about random shit and just hang out. I guess I need to go ahead and put that dream in the closet. Not gonna happen.

Well, it was a good day anyway and it was a nice way to remember.

By the way this is my fave song from TFK!

Baby Showers?

   So at the end of last month I received 3 invitations to baby showers. 2 of them were this weekend, one is tomorrow but I am going to the Uproar Festival which I bought tickets to months ago.
   Anyway..These showers have left me thinking about stuff that happened in my life. Sigh. At both showers there were several other pregnant women. Now don't get me wrong, by no means do I want to be pregnant or bring another child into being. BUT...the women I talked to asked about my kids. One of the women had had twins. Her twins are 13. Of course I only said I had 1 son but I have 2. And this is when I think about that day in Barnes & Noble when I should have went directly to the hospital. And the guilt kicks in.
   If.......what a fucked up English word and the feelings it evokes are tremendous. Like a tidal wave washing over me and I am just left to be sucked out to sea to drown in that word. If I had went to the hospital that day, my other son would be alive today. If I had went to the hospital that day, I wouldn't have left a trail of destruction behind me. If I had went to the hospital that day my life would be different.
   I'm not saying I don't like my life now, I do. But god, I hurt so many people because of one fucked up moment, one poor decision on my part, one if.
    On February 21st 1999, I sat in Barnes & Noble with my (ex)husband and my daughter reading a magazine. I felt something in my abdomen. Ahh..braxton hicks contractions, yep, that's what I thought. After all my babies aren't due for another month. The next day as I lay on the couch, I could feel one baby move and not the other. I thought about it, but then stopped. He could be just resting. On Monday when I felt no movement I went to the hospital. They took a fetal heartbeat and only heard one heart, then they did an ultra sound. Oh my fucking god, what have I done?!?!?!?!
  Well, I won't get into that, can't. Not if I wanna make it thru the day. But let me just say that the hate I had (still have some) for myself, took me down a path of self destruction and at the time I didn't care who I took down that road with me. And so what happened? I destroyed my marriage, another marriage, left my kids and basically hurt everyone who cared about me. Got in fights, drank my pain away, got a dui, went to jail, threw my career away.....ah good times.
   For those of you that know me and those that don't, I am a big girl, tall and mean looking, I exude a scariness. Or so I have been told. Many times...'I would hate to get into it with Tammie' but ya know what? That's not me. I have a hard shell but inside I am melted butter. I am not good at life so I hide. I fake it. I'll let you know when I have made it. Until then, please don't invite me to any more baby showers. I truely am happy for all of you that are blessed with life but I don't want to relive any of my past and these things are blunt reminders.

Stop chasing shadows, just enjoy the ride.

I like driving. I don't like the car I have now. Some of you know that I used to have a pimp 300zx to bee-bop about in but the fucking lousy neighbor across the street doesn't know how to use a flippin parking break so his jeep made my 300 go to car heaven. Yes I am bitter about it. And now I have a real grocery getter, soccer scooter and I hate it. Absolutely and for reals. I do shit just to try to break it. I slam the gas pedal to the floor when every light turns green. I drive over speed bumps like I stole it. And it still lives....I know I am being bratty. I have a car and should be appreciative, right? I like going fast. This car does not go fast. No. I talked to my husband about getting a sporty car and he said next year! Dammit! I know....brat.

Does anyone still go on MySpace anymore? Well I found something I blogged back then and it is still relevant so I am reposting here. Enjoy!

So if you had 24 hours to live and you knew it......what would you do?



Would you think about all the time you wasted in your life, doing things that were bullshit, saying things that were bullshit and living life in the bullshit? Pretending to be happy your whole life when you never were?

Who would you tell "I am sorry I wasted my life and was never able to be with you"?
What about "I hate you and wish I had never spent so much time looking at you"?
Would you tell a "friend" that you loved them or hated them?


Why do people waste so much time on bullshit.....life is what you make of it and it seems like we all love being in bullshit.



I'll tell you what I would do......
Get in my car, tell people I love that I love them and never sleep or stop laughing or smiling until I was dead.
And since no one is going to ever tell me I have 24 hours left to live, I am going to live now and never look back. The petty shit can wait till I am dead......I suggest you all do the same.
And I had this comment from a friend which I think is so awesome:

Too many people waste their time figuring out how they are going to live. Choose how it is you will die and the life style will fall into place.
5 years ago

Address is Approximate

Where in this world are you? Do you ever think about someone far away from you? Maybe someone that isn't really connected to you anymore, but still in you're heart?
Yesterday's topic on aging is just the tip for me. As I get older I think of people everyday who came thru my life and are just not there anymore. I sometimes think this is the reason so many people believe in religion. Maybe you know the feeling? Your very soul craves for the comfort and nearness of another. It is in the deepest part of you. Or maybe you don't. I know religion is not the answer for me. I can't rationalize a faceless something. I do not fear whatever end comes tho, as I realize when it does, many of my questions will be answered. In one way or another :)

This song sums it up simply. The past is gone by and I can't rewind.

Why do all these people come thru your life, like so many cars on the freeway. Just to pass by, never to be seen again? I don't get it. Or believe it. They all leave an imprint, something that makes you think about them again. A certain song, a smell, an inanimate object that you keep in a junk drawer.

It's a strange thing to walk thru life hoping and praying (for some of you) to find a soul that you're soul completely surrenders to. So in love with this person that you would walk through hell to be with. Just so, maybe even for a short while, you can be together. And when your with this person....your soul seems to 'rest'.

Fact is we encounter these people daily. We are just too blind by these dreams and hopes to see it. It really, really is a shame. And one of the worse things about it, you don't realize this til you get older, til it's gone. You've missed the opportunity and you wish it back. Over and over, we wish life away, then wish it back.

Such is the Human condition.

I had to add this vid because first it's awesome and second it fits :)

Aging

            For a while now I have been thinking about the fact that I don't like to go out that much any more and when I do I like to make it count. I have cut down a tremendous amount on drinking and can't drink at the moment due to taking pain killers. So while all this is marinating in my mind, I ran across this quote:
Emma Rabbit: “The old lady who’s staring at the guppy can’t possibly be under sixty-five, and what does she think? That she looks like she did in her fifties? It’s tragic. When I turn fifty I hope I’ve aged with dignity. I’ll keep my head high, dress like a lady, and try not to cling to my youth as though I wasn’t finished with it. As if youth wasn’t already lived and completely, thoroughly explored. I’m not a stuffed animal who looks back. What has been, has been, and will never come back. I can’t understand those who go over and over all their old injustices, bitter about things that have happened, things that you can’t do anything about anyway.”
Yes, she said stuffed animal. This is from a book called 'Amberville'. I suggest you read it.
Anyway, what Emma says is true. This is a trend through out America, to keep on looking and acting young. Why? Why can't we just act our age and be glad we are still alive?? Because we are spoiled and everything is fast food. Disposable. If you're marriage sucks, get divorced. Don't fix it, throw it away. That's my opinion. I don't want to go out and stay out til 7am the next morning (I have done it, many times) anymore. I don't mind going out when there is a reason but coming home at a decent time. I don't want to be around women my age who are flirting with 'guppies' or 'cubs'. I don't want my husband flirting or flirted with by younger women. (He wouldn't by the way)
Anyway, that last sentence in Emma's quote is a killer. It makes perfect sense. The past is gone. Let it go, move on before you have lost the now and are stuck in a vicious cycle of what if. You can't go back, you can't change whats done and you only have now. Live it.

Why do people think I am a bank?

So this morning I had my 5 week visit to the Hip Dr. for him to rate my healing and stuff. It went well, I am doing great and my only problem is I am addicted to the pain killers. Awesome right? Not so much. I tried to stop taking them on my own and in return had nausea, chills, headache, numbness, insomnia and breathing difficulty. Yay! no I have to be weaned off. HA! I feel like a baby being weaned off the nip.
My daughter (#2) is heading back to California today. She spent the last 2 days with daughter #1 and I missed her last night. They are heading to my job as I type so I can say goodbye.
And in other news I got a text moments ago from my mom saying, and I quote : I need to borrow 300 dollars and I'll pay you back as soon as I get to Ohio. She went down to Florida to empty her storage bin and take all her crap to Ohio where she moved last year. She is with my cousin and I said, does neither of you have a credit card? 'No, (my cousin) left it at home because she didn't think she'd need it. Who the hell goes on a trip and leaves their credit card at home??? I'm sorry but isn't that the purpose of one?? For emergencies?
Now this is not the first time she has asked me for money. As a matter of fact, others have also asked me for money, friends even. This one girl I used to be friends with asked me for 300 dollars once to go gambling! Really?? Umm..no. Notice I said used to be.....yeah, she used to talk behind my back and people in our poker league would come up to me and say 'so I heard...' only told one person that, funny you heard it.
Sam has this one friend, which I hate, that is constantly hitting him up for money. I have a hard time understanding why they are friends actually.
Even daughter #1 told me once that she thought I had money falling out of my ass.
Why?
Because I have a job, a place to live and I pay my bills....that's it! Amazing huh?

Surprise!

Have you ever masturbated in a strange place? Standing up (guys..I'm sure you do)? At work?
Well, let me tell you first I am an under-sexxed person (is that one who wants it too much? I take over-sexxed as getting it too much but please correct me if I am wrong) I would make love to my husband several times a day if I could. We knew in the being it was a lopsided match, but he tries hard ;) It's funny to me to be the aggressor when I've always heard men say 'marriage ruins their wives sex drive'. Those guys have never met me.
It comes to me, suddenly, for no reason. I am horny. Fact.
Today I am sitting here, doing what I should be doing and something comes on the radio about a pseudo celebrity doing an appearance at a place called Fairvilla Video. I have to look up the site and see the 'toy' he is promoting, one thing leads to another and BAM!! I'm ready.
So, the bathroom at work was visited. o_O
I think sex is hidden too much. It's is bizarre to me how this country will allow it's children to watch violence and gore but draws the line at anything sexual. If you get down to the christian belief and animals for that matter, (Please don't tell me about dolphins, I already know they do it for pleasure as well) sex is purely for the re-creation of a tiny self, to repopulate the earth and so on. But humans find immense pleasure in it. Most humans anywho. So, if it is such a natural occurance, why do we hide it? Make children think all kinds of bizarre things about it? A taboo. I sometimes wonder if our backwards ideas are the cause of child molesters. I could be way off but it's just a thought., I'm not prepared to go on a crusade to back it up.
I mean if a secret isn't a secret anymore, do you really care about it? Would you constantly wonder about something that is always hidden from you or something you already know about?

Daughter 2 on they way.

One of my daughters is flying in from California tomorrow. I am excited to see her, of course. She was supposed to come visit in July, but she said she was sick. It would have been nice because my son was also here and they have never met. So, it would have been nice if she would have showed up.
Oh, so I guess you are wondering why they have never met? Aren't you nosey! :)
When I was with my first 'baby daddy', I cheated on him. Ya ya, I see you're scowl! I'm am by no means a perfect person. Although I like to think I have become a better one as the years pass.
So, I became pregnant with this other man's child. At this point, my first child's father was doing crystal meth on a regular basis so I knew at some point very soon it would end and I could not support two small children on my own. (Just for reference, minimum wage was 4.25) So, I did some soul searching and gave my second child up for adoption. Now before you go putting on your Christian panties and judging me, let me explain a few details.
I was 'allowed' to choose the couple I was going to give her to. I believe I chose very well. Her adoptive father is the editor of Forbes magazine. Her adoptive mother a successful realtor in sunny California. I met them in person and they were a very nice couple. In love and the husband had just the right amount of boyish craziness that makes a good father. I want to give you a little info on me at this point in my life. I was living in a 27' travel trailer in a RV park, worked at Circle K, had a 3 year and a crystal meth head as a boyfriend. The only thing that was nice in my life (besides my sweet 3 year old) was I lived in Sedona, Az.
So, the best thing for me, my first daughter and my second daughter, was to give her up. Hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I would never wish that upon anyone. But I did it. I cried for 3 weeks straight afterwards. I lied, told people I was a surrogate. I was young.
It was an open adoption, that was my only stipulation. Her mother communicated with me freely. I was right about them. They invited me to meet her once when they were in the state I relocated to after leaving Mr. Meth. She was 7. She was like day to my first daughter's night. Blonde, pale and pretty. My first daughter is a dark haired beauty and oh so independent.
So to wrap this up, My second daughter came to see my for the first time since she was 7, last year. She stayed a few days and we got along famously. It was like I raised her. She is identical in personality to myself and daughter 1. I have realized tho, unlike us, she is hardly as independent. I guess that is because she had money her whole life.
A luxury #1 and I never have.

Thought'd I'd share a funny exchange with a friend

I hate nothing more than writing a wonderful message and then somehow it gets deleted. I was witty and funny and full of action and adventure and even sharks...and somehow its gone.
Oh sorry I guess for me I was already in the mist of our amazing one sided conversation. You're an awesome listener...and I ain't a half bad talker.
So where was I? Better yet how did I start? OH pen pal bullshit, How are you, I am well (I think I added in a lame maybe not well but medium well steak joke here...cause you don't eat meat. Of course that led to perverted jokes about meat and ended with "Meats meat and a mans got to eat) I'm sure there was some other lame ass jokes associated with that line of dialog to boot.

Anywho figure I'm gonna schedule my midlife crisis soon, I wanted it to include lots of hard drinking, tears, perhaps some blood...goat blood, and sharks (see I told you there were sharks) I mean who is better suited for unbuttoned shirts with gold chains nestled in hairy chests than me. My chest was built for gold chains. I think I'll buy one of those magnet gizmos that are suppose to balance you too, gold plated with bling for my swag (see I even got the lingo down) Crushin' on underage girls...which is easier now that I'm getting old, really old. I suppose I can entice them with this bag of Worther's originals I seem to always carry in my sweater I wear cause its so gosh darn cold out in the hot ass fucking sun.
Where was I? I tend to forget shit...who are you?

That midlife guy whose searching for his way in life...and a way from all these SHARKS in...MIDLIFE CRISIS THIS TIME and EVERYTIME ITS PERSONAL! The movie. Check the fire exit before you go in because M is midlife ragging!

From Me:

Your right I am a better listener than writer anyway. Glad to see you have gotten back in the social media front. I mean lets face it, this is where you belong. These are your people, you need only to lead them to salvation (where is your basement exactly?)
Anywho...it's funny you mention candy. I seem to keep a constant supply of lollipops with me. Cherry. They are delicious and give my lips that lovely red appearance they seem to have lost over these ridiculously short years I have been alive. How does that happen by the way? I mean why does the color disappear from your lips? Life is cruel.
I work in the same office with people of your type. She can wear 3 layers of clothes and still tell me it is too cold in here, and since she has the a/c control in her office I am doomed to constantly keep my small fan on. As HR told me when I complained of the heat, can you get a small fan to circulate the air? Wouldn't that constitute actually air being pumped into this god forsaken building first?
I digress, back to you. You seem chipper and in your usual spirits. What is it? Found an inexpensive whore? That is a diamond in the rough? A small town girl looking for her prince charming maybe? Well good luck, the whores I have encountered just want my candy. Sluts.
I bid adeiu to you and please tell your whore hello :)
♥

I haven't posted in a while because I have been busy. I have physical therapy 3 times a week and I am pretty beat most of the time. Surgery is a killer, I didn't realize.
So I am trying to decide if I should give that bra back to my friend for her birthday in October. I have not worn it.

So yesterday I requested a day off because I am going to the Uproar Festival on 9/11. My supervisor comes and tells me I need to watch out because HR is looking at the time I am requesting. WTF?? I ask a month in advance and I am going get the queer eye??
And then another co-worker comes in my office this morning and tells me that I need to watch what I say because apparently I asked my supervisor if she was going to a dept. head meeting yesterday and she said no but immediately ran and told another dept. head there was a meeting without them. (I know this info because my husband also works with me and is a dept. head) I only asked her because I wanted to prepare my work day if she was gonna be gone two hours! Did she even think before she spoke to that other fat bitch??
Sometimes I really hate this place.

A car??

So I was gonna post a picture of something but it has since been taking down from facebook so I guess that's out....so I will just bitch about it.
Two days ago I saw a picture of a car on my father's facebook page with a caption that said something like, a sneak peak at a present for someone I love very much but don't see enough of. Of course this peaked my curiousity. So I asked him who it was for. (oh and to set precedence...my father was abusive when I was child. I have yet to forgive him) He tells me it is for my nephew. He says, I got Tabbie (my daughter) a car so I am doing the same for my grandson. OK but here is my issue, yes he gave my daughter a car when she was 16, quite the pos, ya I know I shouldn't complain ( I never allowed her to complain, she had a car and she should be so lucky) but I am. My nephew also has a father, my brother, and he is a crack addict. So here is my thought....my dad is gonna give my nephew that car and my brother is going to pawn it. It is a pretty nice car as far as I can tell from the photos, so my brother is going to see opportunity. In Florida, where my brother resides, there are car pawn shops. Can you believe that shit?? Car pawn shops? Ya. So I am angry. I have worked my ass off to get where I am in life. My brother has never held a job longer than a month in his entire life. But my father has given him at least 7 cars, all pawned, over 100,000. in cash, all gone, and here I sit getting less than nothing from him. He hasn't sent my kids birthday or christmas cards in about 6 years. It's fucked up. It pisses me off, he continues to throw bad money after bad. When do you say to yourself, hmm I should be rewarding my daughter for all her hardwork...bah! Well fuck you! You could at least pay for the fucking therapy I go to once a week because of your fucked up parenting skills.
And to confront the elephant in this blog, yes my brother had it rough too. But not nearly as rough as me, they beat me long before he ever came onto the scene and still they used me as thier punching bag. I protected him the best I could but hell I was 4 when he was born. By the time I as old enough to actually take him 'away', the damage was done. Do I feel sorry for him? No. As I don't feel sorry for myself. We are grown and can make our own choices, right or wrong. But as for my father....I guess even at his age he is stuck making the 'wrong' choices.

Oh the pain...

So I had some hip surgery 2 Fridays ago and went back to work this past Wednesday. I am extremely tired by the end of the day and today (my 2nd day in) I am shocked at how much pain I am in and now I am emotionally drained as well. My husband went to play poker at a local bar tonite and after he left I just started bawling. If he knew that happened he would probably be very glad he went to play poker, lol.
Anyway...I spoke to my friend Jan today and she told me she is in love with Drew. How? You know each other for a month and your in love? Also, she brought me a bra back from her trip to New York with this guy and it had no tags and it wasn't my size. So yesterday I asked her for the reciept to exchange it and she asked me for the bra, went to the bathroom and returned with the one she had on, exactly the same bra but my size. And she gave that one to me. O_o
That's enough for today, I'm ready to cry again......

oh lawd....

 Dear Drew,

Baby. Sweet man... Thank you for your sweet words .. You have shown me a level of love that I thought only as fiction before I met you. With every day we spend together I fall deeper in love with you. I wish my friends could roll back my tough outer shell and see what you've done to my heart..See what I see and feel what I feel.. I saw you initially as just another hunk, bragging point or notch in my post of life .. Then your
"you" gave me the virtual jerk of life and I came full circle in a matter of a millisecond .. You are my presence, my future and my love..As you said it.. Our past is our past and our
Presence and future are ours to control.. Thank you for your you and compassion ...
I am you and you are Me.. We are one .. Love J...

Life is about to return to normal..

So, Yesterday was my birthday and we (some family) all went to Kanki and had the hibachi, which I think is always fun. It did not disappoint. We all had a great time and afterwards my husband and our kids went to a bar called Marcom to meet some other friends.
This bar was what I like to call a dive bar. A real 'salt of the earth' type of people there, beards, no teeth and super nice. The drink special was vodka, $3. My daughter, my husband's son and I had vodka and my husband and my daughter's bf had Heiniken. I believe that was the most exotic beer they had there :)
My friends, Kendra and Stephany showed up after our drinks arrived with their boyfriends. We sat and talked and I got drunk too quick due to the pain killers I am taking. So we left at about 10:30, which is early for us, but I didn't want to end up over a toilet praying to the porcelain god. My husband is extremely good about taking care of me. I am lucky to have him.

Dear Jan,
Happy one month anniversary !! I don't recall ever being happier than I am and its attributed all to you .It's hard to believe its only been four weeks cause I feel as though I've known you for years . You are a special lady. A wonderful and caring mother . A kind, warm and gentle person who lights up the room just with her presence . I'm so proud to have you on my side .. I've posted th...is on your wall with your consent... I'm an unknown in your world so
I wanted all your friends to know how special you are to me... As you know I'm not a big fan of FB.I think it has its role as an adjunct to communication in these busy times . I do however think people lose track of their words forgetting that the WALL is a public forum. Calling one out or speaking negatively on the wall is no different than being in a room full of people and doing the same.. We've all lost touch of what a cup of joe or a beer can do when it comes to showing concern for a friend we think is off track .. I'm off point so let me regroup and close by saying thank you for making me happier than I deserve. I look forward to the future with a smile and with you in hand in hand. I love you my J-Wow.. Have a great day !
Dw

This was on my friend Jan's facebook page. Ridiculous. I really want to post something along the lines of...don't worry I will tell you what I think in front of your face and a room full of people. I also want to ask her if she's run a background check on the idiot yet. Also, I love the part where he says "a wonderful and caring mother". Would you say that if you knew her son is about to be or has already been shipped off to foster care? Would you say that if you knew her 10 year old tells her what to do?
I really can't tell you why I am so pissed off about this whole thing. Maybe it is because I have been through thick and thin with this girl and her silly lifestyle pisses me off because it is seriously detrimental. She is going to get hurt..

Internal rambling..

I can't stop thinking about what a bitch my friend Jan is. The more I think about things the more little theories that cross my mind. 
I went out with her about 2 weeks ago on a Thursday night and after she started getting drunk, she started getting all touchy-feely with me. Now I haven't mentioned we were out with her new 'toy' and a neighbor couple of hers. Severral hours into the night we all decided to head to some bar called Neptune. I'd never been there and had no clue how far it was from where we were. So, I decided I wanted to ride on one of the bicycle taxis. It's like one of those giant 3 wheel bikes with a seat in place of a basket. Jan wanted to ride with me also. Ok, the guy gets to pedaling, next thing I know she has reached around and has her hand on his dick. WTF??? Really Jan? Wtf is wrong with you? She tells me, 'oh I feel his dick'. Good Lord. So he pulls into this alley and gets off the bike. Ummmm....remember I have no idea where we are going anyway. He walks over to Jan and pulls her boobs out. Oh fuck....is a rape about to occur or is she gonna fuck him here and now? Then he starts to suck them. She eventually tells him to stop and then he wants pictures. Ok she says.
Finally he gets back on the bike and takes us like 500 yards. Jan's new toy is standing in front of the bar practically jumping up and down screaming 'where have you been'? I'm like uh-nuh *shoulder shrug*

The point of this story is to illustrate what kind of person she is. On a date with this new guy and she is already doing shit behind his back. OK.

Another story. About a year ago, she and her husband broke up so I started taking her downtown with me and introducing her to new people. So, she starts getting crazy and doing random shit with people. Fast forward some months and she starts dating a previous beau of one of my other friends. OK whatever she asked her. No problem. Fast forward a couple months, they break up (he says cuz she's too clingy) and she starts hanging out with someone else's boyfriend, not previous. This girl finds out and is pissed. She is now black lilsted from my group of friends that she hijacked. So now she is on match.com to find bf's.

I haven't even touched on the fact that this weekend she is in NY and her son's fate is hanging in the balance. He either goes to military school or foster care, but hey, free trip to NY right?? Who wouldn't choose NY??

Bleh....

First one!

Today is the first day of this blog. I have decided I need a theraputic outlet for some of the things I think about on a daily basis. I could keep a diary but that could be found and mis-interpreted by the finder. I could bitch on facebook but then it would have to be somewhat anonymous so that I don't hurt anyones feelings and I want to be specific here. I will only tell certain people that I know of the address to this blog so that I can freely bitch about the rest! So let's get this party started!!

Last Friday I had some surgery on my hip and have been home bound for the week. Needless to say, I never want to do this again. Or at least these exact arrangements again. Let me explain:

My mother is here 'taking' care of me. I suppose everyone has different standards of care. Myself, I like a clean house, clean dishes, clean clothes and clean sheets. I guess this could be asking too much but I have a problem with living in filth.
Her and I have a strange relationship. She used to beat me as a child and I, over many years and years of therapy, have forgiven her. Well, for the most part. Being alone with her daily for a week has reminded me of all the torturous things she did to me as a child, as she continues to this day to do them. Hoping some how to break me. Too bad for her I am an adult now.
So, today after a week of just normal living, I vaccuumed the living room and hallway. Now I wasn't supposed to do this. As I've said I had hip surgery and am supposed to be immobile, but I have a giant Akita and he sheds. There was almost a thin carpet of Akita hair on the floor. I couldn't take it. I had to vaccuum. You would think my mother would also notice this mass of hair and vaccuum but she hasn't. I guess she is used to living that way. Luck was on my side because she left to go do some shopping of some sort (which she has been doing since her arrival a month ago) so I did it. The problem with all of this? I have only just punished myself by this action. I am in pain now all because her lazy ass. Thanks for your help mom.

Now on another note, I have a few friends not mass loads but a couple I hold dear. Several live in different states unfortunetly, but I love them and cherish them no less. One of them who lives near me, called me, 3 days after my surgery and told me she was going to come by on Thursday and see me. Well Thursday came and went. No friend. No call, no text, no nothing. So I text her the next day (toda) and say I guess you got held up. She replies 'i worked till 9pm and thought about calling you but didnt. OK. Then I see she had posted on facebook many hours before 9pm that she is DT (downtown) with her new toy (meaning some new guy she is dating) Are you fucking kidding me?? Your new toy? The only one getting played with bitch is you, you just don't know it yet. So I am pretty pissed that she threw me off for this douche she is dating (and he is a douche) and then tried to lie to me. Step off bitch! I am done being her friend when SHE wants it. Does anyone else have a friend like this? She also told me about 3 years ago we couldn't be friends anymore due to the fact she was trying to work things out with her husband and I was hindering that. Really? So I stood back and waited as a good friend should. What a buffoon I am.

Well the Olympics are starting so I will be back tomorrow. I hope you all enjoy my rants and bitching.

xo