Heart attacks and other non-important stuff

I have no clue of men. I mean I have no knowledge of how they work, how to understand them or how to pretend like I do. My husband keeps telling me it's because of my parents. They never talked to me. The yelled at me, hit me and general ignored my being unless I was somehow hindering their life.
I went to the ER yesterday after work because I had been having chest pains the entire day (still have them fyi) and my left arm has been numb since Sunday. I let my husband know that was my plan and went. They asked me who was with me when I arrived at the hospital and I said no one. They asked me if I drove myself there and I said yes and then, I was struck with the most incredible sense of loneliness I have ever had in my life. I realized that no matter how much YOU love someone, they are never going to love you like you love them.
My ex-husband loved me like I love my current husband and my current husband? Well who really knows who he loved like I love him. And this brings me to my opening sentance. I am was alone in the ER for 4 hours, and when I called my husband to tell him they wanted to admit me to the hospital, he said 'want me to bring you anything?'. So I declined being admitted and drove myself home. What does that mean? Did he even give a fuck that I might be dying and he might never get to say a proper goodbye to me? I just don't understand. I mean I get the whole 'men don't show emotion like women' thing but couldn't he at least show me he gives a fuck? Even a little one? Am I over analyzing this? I don't know. I do know that I left the hospital to go home because I was lonely and even tho I felt like he could care less whether I lived or died, I wanted to make the loneliness go away. I came home and he was playing Xbox and had little interest in my being, so I went upstairs and went to bed.
As I climbed into bed alone, I realized I am chasing a dream. I gave up the person who loved me like I wanted to be loved because I was so busy chasing a dream I didn't see it until I didn't have it anymore.

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.
Buddha