Address is Approximate

Where in this world are you? Do you ever think about someone far away from you? Maybe someone that isn't really connected to you anymore, but still in you're heart?
Yesterday's topic on aging is just the tip for me. As I get older I think of people everyday who came thru my life and are just not there anymore. I sometimes think this is the reason so many people believe in religion. Maybe you know the feeling? Your very soul craves for the comfort and nearness of another. It is in the deepest part of you. Or maybe you don't. I know religion is not the answer for me. I can't rationalize a faceless something. I do not fear whatever end comes tho, as I realize when it does, many of my questions will be answered. In one way or another :)

This song sums it up simply. The past is gone by and I can't rewind.

Why do all these people come thru your life, like so many cars on the freeway. Just to pass by, never to be seen again? I don't get it. Or believe it. They all leave an imprint, something that makes you think about them again. A certain song, a smell, an inanimate object that you keep in a junk drawer.

It's a strange thing to walk thru life hoping and praying (for some of you) to find a soul that you're soul completely surrenders to. So in love with this person that you would walk through hell to be with. Just so, maybe even for a short while, you can be together. And when your with this person....your soul seems to 'rest'.

Fact is we encounter these people daily. We are just too blind by these dreams and hopes to see it. It really, really is a shame. And one of the worse things about it, you don't realize this til you get older, til it's gone. You've missed the opportunity and you wish it back. Over and over, we wish life away, then wish it back.

Such is the Human condition.

I had to add this vid because first it's awesome and second it fits :)

Aging

            For a while now I have been thinking about the fact that I don't like to go out that much any more and when I do I like to make it count. I have cut down a tremendous amount on drinking and can't drink at the moment due to taking pain killers. So while all this is marinating in my mind, I ran across this quote:
Emma Rabbit: “The old lady who’s staring at the guppy can’t possibly be under sixty-five, and what does she think? That she looks like she did in her fifties? It’s tragic. When I turn fifty I hope I’ve aged with dignity. I’ll keep my head high, dress like a lady, and try not to cling to my youth as though I wasn’t finished with it. As if youth wasn’t already lived and completely, thoroughly explored. I’m not a stuffed animal who looks back. What has been, has been, and will never come back. I can’t understand those who go over and over all their old injustices, bitter about things that have happened, things that you can’t do anything about anyway.”
Yes, she said stuffed animal. This is from a book called 'Amberville'. I suggest you read it.
Anyway, what Emma says is true. This is a trend through out America, to keep on looking and acting young. Why? Why can't we just act our age and be glad we are still alive?? Because we are spoiled and everything is fast food. Disposable. If you're marriage sucks, get divorced. Don't fix it, throw it away. That's my opinion. I don't want to go out and stay out til 7am the next morning (I have done it, many times) anymore. I don't mind going out when there is a reason but coming home at a decent time. I don't want to be around women my age who are flirting with 'guppies' or 'cubs'. I don't want my husband flirting or flirted with by younger women. (He wouldn't by the way)
Anyway, that last sentence in Emma's quote is a killer. It makes perfect sense. The past is gone. Let it go, move on before you have lost the now and are stuck in a vicious cycle of what if. You can't go back, you can't change whats done and you only have now. Live it.

Why do people think I am a bank?

So this morning I had my 5 week visit to the Hip Dr. for him to rate my healing and stuff. It went well, I am doing great and my only problem is I am addicted to the pain killers. Awesome right? Not so much. I tried to stop taking them on my own and in return had nausea, chills, headache, numbness, insomnia and breathing difficulty. Yay! no I have to be weaned off. HA! I feel like a baby being weaned off the nip.
My daughter (#2) is heading back to California today. She spent the last 2 days with daughter #1 and I missed her last night. They are heading to my job as I type so I can say goodbye.
And in other news I got a text moments ago from my mom saying, and I quote : I need to borrow 300 dollars and I'll pay you back as soon as I get to Ohio. She went down to Florida to empty her storage bin and take all her crap to Ohio where she moved last year. She is with my cousin and I said, does neither of you have a credit card? 'No, (my cousin) left it at home because she didn't think she'd need it. Who the hell goes on a trip and leaves their credit card at home??? I'm sorry but isn't that the purpose of one?? For emergencies?
Now this is not the first time she has asked me for money. As a matter of fact, others have also asked me for money, friends even. This one girl I used to be friends with asked me for 300 dollars once to go gambling! Really?? Umm..no. Notice I said used to be.....yeah, she used to talk behind my back and people in our poker league would come up to me and say 'so I heard...' only told one person that, funny you heard it.
Sam has this one friend, which I hate, that is constantly hitting him up for money. I have a hard time understanding why they are friends actually.
Even daughter #1 told me once that she thought I had money falling out of my ass.
Why?
Because I have a job, a place to live and I pay my bills....that's it! Amazing huh?

Surprise!

Have you ever masturbated in a strange place? Standing up (guys..I'm sure you do)? At work?
Well, let me tell you first I am an under-sexxed person (is that one who wants it too much? I take over-sexxed as getting it too much but please correct me if I am wrong) I would make love to my husband several times a day if I could. We knew in the being it was a lopsided match, but he tries hard ;) It's funny to me to be the aggressor when I've always heard men say 'marriage ruins their wives sex drive'. Those guys have never met me.
It comes to me, suddenly, for no reason. I am horny. Fact.
Today I am sitting here, doing what I should be doing and something comes on the radio about a pseudo celebrity doing an appearance at a place called Fairvilla Video. I have to look up the site and see the 'toy' he is promoting, one thing leads to another and BAM!! I'm ready.
So, the bathroom at work was visited. o_O
I think sex is hidden too much. It's is bizarre to me how this country will allow it's children to watch violence and gore but draws the line at anything sexual. If you get down to the christian belief and animals for that matter, (Please don't tell me about dolphins, I already know they do it for pleasure as well) sex is purely for the re-creation of a tiny self, to repopulate the earth and so on. But humans find immense pleasure in it. Most humans anywho. So, if it is such a natural occurance, why do we hide it? Make children think all kinds of bizarre things about it? A taboo. I sometimes wonder if our backwards ideas are the cause of child molesters. I could be way off but it's just a thought., I'm not prepared to go on a crusade to back it up.
I mean if a secret isn't a secret anymore, do you really care about it? Would you constantly wonder about something that is always hidden from you or something you already know about?

Daughter 2 on they way.

One of my daughters is flying in from California tomorrow. I am excited to see her, of course. She was supposed to come visit in July, but she said she was sick. It would have been nice because my son was also here and they have never met. So, it would have been nice if she would have showed up.
Oh, so I guess you are wondering why they have never met? Aren't you nosey! :)
When I was with my first 'baby daddy', I cheated on him. Ya ya, I see you're scowl! I'm am by no means a perfect person. Although I like to think I have become a better one as the years pass.
So, I became pregnant with this other man's child. At this point, my first child's father was doing crystal meth on a regular basis so I knew at some point very soon it would end and I could not support two small children on my own. (Just for reference, minimum wage was 4.25) So, I did some soul searching and gave my second child up for adoption. Now before you go putting on your Christian panties and judging me, let me explain a few details.
I was 'allowed' to choose the couple I was going to give her to. I believe I chose very well. Her adoptive father is the editor of Forbes magazine. Her adoptive mother a successful realtor in sunny California. I met them in person and they were a very nice couple. In love and the husband had just the right amount of boyish craziness that makes a good father. I want to give you a little info on me at this point in my life. I was living in a 27' travel trailer in a RV park, worked at Circle K, had a 3 year and a crystal meth head as a boyfriend. The only thing that was nice in my life (besides my sweet 3 year old) was I lived in Sedona, Az.
So, the best thing for me, my first daughter and my second daughter, was to give her up. Hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I would never wish that upon anyone. But I did it. I cried for 3 weeks straight afterwards. I lied, told people I was a surrogate. I was young.
It was an open adoption, that was my only stipulation. Her mother communicated with me freely. I was right about them. They invited me to meet her once when they were in the state I relocated to after leaving Mr. Meth. She was 7. She was like day to my first daughter's night. Blonde, pale and pretty. My first daughter is a dark haired beauty and oh so independent.
So to wrap this up, My second daughter came to see my for the first time since she was 7, last year. She stayed a few days and we got along famously. It was like I raised her. She is identical in personality to myself and daughter 1. I have realized tho, unlike us, she is hardly as independent. I guess that is because she had money her whole life.
A luxury #1 and I never have.

Thought'd I'd share a funny exchange with a friend

I hate nothing more than writing a wonderful message and then somehow it gets deleted. I was witty and funny and full of action and adventure and even sharks...and somehow its gone.
Oh sorry I guess for me I was already in the mist of our amazing one sided conversation. You're an awesome listener...and I ain't a half bad talker.
So where was I? Better yet how did I start? OH pen pal bullshit, How are you, I am well (I think I added in a lame maybe not well but medium well steak joke here...cause you don't eat meat. Of course that led to perverted jokes about meat and ended with "Meats meat and a mans got to eat) I'm sure there was some other lame ass jokes associated with that line of dialog to boot.

Anywho figure I'm gonna schedule my midlife crisis soon, I wanted it to include lots of hard drinking, tears, perhaps some blood...goat blood, and sharks (see I told you there were sharks) I mean who is better suited for unbuttoned shirts with gold chains nestled in hairy chests than me. My chest was built for gold chains. I think I'll buy one of those magnet gizmos that are suppose to balance you too, gold plated with bling for my swag (see I even got the lingo down) Crushin' on underage girls...which is easier now that I'm getting old, really old. I suppose I can entice them with this bag of Worther's originals I seem to always carry in my sweater I wear cause its so gosh darn cold out in the hot ass fucking sun.
Where was I? I tend to forget shit...who are you?

That midlife guy whose searching for his way in life...and a way from all these SHARKS in...MIDLIFE CRISIS THIS TIME and EVERYTIME ITS PERSONAL! The movie. Check the fire exit before you go in because M is midlife ragging!

From Me:

Your right I am a better listener than writer anyway. Glad to see you have gotten back in the social media front. I mean lets face it, this is where you belong. These are your people, you need only to lead them to salvation (where is your basement exactly?)
Anywho...it's funny you mention candy. I seem to keep a constant supply of lollipops with me. Cherry. They are delicious and give my lips that lovely red appearance they seem to have lost over these ridiculously short years I have been alive. How does that happen by the way? I mean why does the color disappear from your lips? Life is cruel.
I work in the same office with people of your type. She can wear 3 layers of clothes and still tell me it is too cold in here, and since she has the a/c control in her office I am doomed to constantly keep my small fan on. As HR told me when I complained of the heat, can you get a small fan to circulate the air? Wouldn't that constitute actually air being pumped into this god forsaken building first?
I digress, back to you. You seem chipper and in your usual spirits. What is it? Found an inexpensive whore? That is a diamond in the rough? A small town girl looking for her prince charming maybe? Well good luck, the whores I have encountered just want my candy. Sluts.
I bid adeiu to you and please tell your whore hello :)
♥

I haven't posted in a while because I have been busy. I have physical therapy 3 times a week and I am pretty beat most of the time. Surgery is a killer, I didn't realize.
So I am trying to decide if I should give that bra back to my friend for her birthday in October. I have not worn it.

So yesterday I requested a day off because I am going to the Uproar Festival on 9/11. My supervisor comes and tells me I need to watch out because HR is looking at the time I am requesting. WTF?? I ask a month in advance and I am going get the queer eye??
And then another co-worker comes in my office this morning and tells me that I need to watch what I say because apparently I asked my supervisor if she was going to a dept. head meeting yesterday and she said no but immediately ran and told another dept. head there was a meeting without them. (I know this info because my husband also works with me and is a dept. head) I only asked her because I wanted to prepare my work day if she was gonna be gone two hours! Did she even think before she spoke to that other fat bitch??
Sometimes I really hate this place.

A car??

So I was gonna post a picture of something but it has since been taking down from facebook so I guess that's out....so I will just bitch about it.
Two days ago I saw a picture of a car on my father's facebook page with a caption that said something like, a sneak peak at a present for someone I love very much but don't see enough of. Of course this peaked my curiousity. So I asked him who it was for. (oh and to set precedence...my father was abusive when I was child. I have yet to forgive him) He tells me it is for my nephew. He says, I got Tabbie (my daughter) a car so I am doing the same for my grandson. OK but here is my issue, yes he gave my daughter a car when she was 16, quite the pos, ya I know I shouldn't complain ( I never allowed her to complain, she had a car and she should be so lucky) but I am. My nephew also has a father, my brother, and he is a crack addict. So here is my thought....my dad is gonna give my nephew that car and my brother is going to pawn it. It is a pretty nice car as far as I can tell from the photos, so my brother is going to see opportunity. In Florida, where my brother resides, there are car pawn shops. Can you believe that shit?? Car pawn shops? Ya. So I am angry. I have worked my ass off to get where I am in life. My brother has never held a job longer than a month in his entire life. But my father has given him at least 7 cars, all pawned, over 100,000. in cash, all gone, and here I sit getting less than nothing from him. He hasn't sent my kids birthday or christmas cards in about 6 years. It's fucked up. It pisses me off, he continues to throw bad money after bad. When do you say to yourself, hmm I should be rewarding my daughter for all her hardwork...bah! Well fuck you! You could at least pay for the fucking therapy I go to once a week because of your fucked up parenting skills.
And to confront the elephant in this blog, yes my brother had it rough too. But not nearly as rough as me, they beat me long before he ever came onto the scene and still they used me as thier punching bag. I protected him the best I could but hell I was 4 when he was born. By the time I as old enough to actually take him 'away', the damage was done. Do I feel sorry for him? No. As I don't feel sorry for myself. We are grown and can make our own choices, right or wrong. But as for my father....I guess even at his age he is stuck making the 'wrong' choices.

Oh the pain...

So I had some hip surgery 2 Fridays ago and went back to work this past Wednesday. I am extremely tired by the end of the day and today (my 2nd day in) I am shocked at how much pain I am in and now I am emotionally drained as well. My husband went to play poker at a local bar tonite and after he left I just started bawling. If he knew that happened he would probably be very glad he went to play poker, lol.
Anyway...I spoke to my friend Jan today and she told me she is in love with Drew. How? You know each other for a month and your in love? Also, she brought me a bra back from her trip to New York with this guy and it had no tags and it wasn't my size. So yesterday I asked her for the reciept to exchange it and she asked me for the bra, went to the bathroom and returned with the one she had on, exactly the same bra but my size. And she gave that one to me. O_o
That's enough for today, I'm ready to cry again......

oh lawd....

 Dear Drew,

Baby. Sweet man... Thank you for your sweet words .. You have shown me a level of love that I thought only as fiction before I met you. With every day we spend together I fall deeper in love with you. I wish my friends could roll back my tough outer shell and see what you've done to my heart..See what I see and feel what I feel.. I saw you initially as just another hunk, bragging point or notch in my post of life .. Then your
"you" gave me the virtual jerk of life and I came full circle in a matter of a millisecond .. You are my presence, my future and my love..As you said it.. Our past is our past and our
Presence and future are ours to control.. Thank you for your you and compassion ...
I am you and you are Me.. We are one .. Love J...