Turkey Day thoughts

Not exactly sure how many actual thoughts will be in this post, rather me bitching about stuff.

Thanksgiving Day: I mostly enjoy this day. I like eating, I like football and I like being around family. Here's the problem, my mother in law must bring up my husbands ex-wife at every family get together. A couple years ago she would actually call me her name. It's been 6 years, let it go, please. She took us to dinner a few weeks ago for our anniversary and told us there would be no more family vacations to the beach. Let me tell you how relieved that made me. Every time was a disaster for me personally. The second year I went, His sisters ended up berating me for his divorce and him (at the time) being a drunk idiot, sided with them. This was also the year he ended up feeling all over his sisters tits while she allowed it. So, lets just say every year is a challenge for me.

While I like his mom, I think she tries really hard to be a good mother and grandmother, I have some issues. I think she puts on 'airs' (a good show). She likes to play Matriarch and she might be, I've never seen one in real life but it seems you might guide your kids a little better.

That brings me to her daughters. The dark haired one has always played nice since the first time I met her. No matter what her feelings were about my husbands previous life, she kept it low key. (Except for that one beach trip) She has 3 kids and a husband. They struggle but with 3 kids that seems normal. My one issue with them is they have dogs that they don't care for. They are mostly outside or locked in a sun porch. They recently got a puppy and of course I was against it, but not my business. I think he's 6 months now but he is skinny and has no manners. No time spent with him. I HATE that shit. Don't have a pet if you aren't gonna take time with him. Here is an example (this is my dog)

Ok, on to the blonde. We have had problems from the start, she didn't like me so therefore I found her to be a bitch. She said shit on that beach trip that made me pack up and leave early, without my husband. She is married to a black guy but both her children are incredible pale white. Hmm. She has started to warm up to me but I'm wary. Her husband however is pretty cool albeit an alcoholic but that's ok.

I have tried from the very get go to involve these people in my life but it seems at every turn I am denied so I play this weird limbo thing whilst around them. Like the ghost of his ex-wife is always there, it seems I must try to be as great as her.

Funny, I was recently helping a friend with a problem and he was having this same issue. He had the memory of how great things were even tho in reality, yes there were good times, it wasn't ALWAYS great. And that's how they make this woman out, like she is a saint. But my husband has told me stories so I know better.

And one more item before I go....the mashed potatoes were NOT homemade.....enough said.

Lessons on love

Someone flirted with me last night. Ok, it was via Twitter but still, haha. It made me feel kinda alive. I've always been flirty but have toned it waaaay down because my husband is offended by it. But you know what I realized last night, I enjoy flirting.
Now let's be serious, there is no one I would rather spend my time and life with then my husband, but I don't think flirting is a big deal. My husband maintains it gives people (men) the wrong idea. And I say not my problem. I think my flirting is very innocuous. I just do it to have fun and add flavor to my personality. I don't want to follow thru on any of the flirting.
My husband flirts too, although probably not that much in front of me anymore since we both seem to have issues with the other flirting, but I know he does. And why shouldn't he, he is a fine looking man and I believe in my heart he would never follow thru on it.
It just makes the spirit feel good. Think back to a time when you flirted with someone and they flirted back.....how did you feel? I bet you felt on top of the world.
Here is where I think the problem lies.... flirting feels good and we want to keep that feel good feeling so we move forward, trying to get more and more. Some of us lack self control and go to far. Like drinking, I can stop at 3 drinks/beers/whatever. But I know people who drink until they either pass out or get sick. Too much of a good thing.
Also I think we have become an instant gratification society, want it, get it, use it, throw it away. I give props to people who are loyal and faithful to one another for years and years. It's hard, there are so many choices and so many people willing to do anything for a small amount of attention. Reminds me of something I heard a guy say once, 'Fat girls try harder' (Please reader, do not take offense) and they have to, right? I say we all should try harder. I once had something that was the real deal and I threw it away for a small nothing. Very foolish. And do you know how it started? Flirting. But I want to make clear, that although there are times when I am dumb, I have learned from that tragic mistake and will never make it again.
As for flirting, to me, that's all it is. No promise of something better or more fun, but innocent 'haha' fun.
I'll never again be tricked by that feel good feeling.

Who stirred my brain with a crazy straw??

I had my son all last week and he let slip that his dad had a bachelor party the week before. When he told me I didn't think much about it but now that he's left it's all I think about!! I seriously don't have a clue what the fuck is wrong with me. Before I go to sleep I am thinking of ways to sabotage their wedding (yes i fucking googled it). I have never even thought about his girlfriend (a bit in the beginning but I know what that was) or him and them being together. I mean I've asked Trev if she is nice to him and stuff like that but that was it.
Now I feel like I have lost my shit. And honestly I don't know what to do.

UPDATE:
I texted him this long old text of crazy today.Just random shit I had gotten upset about a different times through out the years but all at once. He told me to relax. I said ok. What is wrong with me. I mean I have a good marriage and I feel like I want to sabotage both of our lives again.
Why am I such a nut case?

So...

The Dr. still has no clue what's going on with me. I went to my primary care dr. yesterday and he gave me some medicine to try and also told me if it was my heart it woulda given out by now so that's good news I guess?
In other news......fml

Heart attacks and other non-important stuff

I have no clue of men. I mean I have no knowledge of how they work, how to understand them or how to pretend like I do. My husband keeps telling me it's because of my parents. They never talked to me. The yelled at me, hit me and general ignored my being unless I was somehow hindering their life.
I went to the ER yesterday after work because I had been having chest pains the entire day (still have them fyi) and my left arm has been numb since Sunday. I let my husband know that was my plan and went. They asked me who was with me when I arrived at the hospital and I said no one. They asked me if I drove myself there and I said yes and then, I was struck with the most incredible sense of loneliness I have ever had in my life. I realized that no matter how much YOU love someone, they are never going to love you like you love them.
My ex-husband loved me like I love my current husband and my current husband? Well who really knows who he loved like I love him. And this brings me to my opening sentance. I am was alone in the ER for 4 hours, and when I called my husband to tell him they wanted to admit me to the hospital, he said 'want me to bring you anything?'. So I declined being admitted and drove myself home. What does that mean? Did he even give a fuck that I might be dying and he might never get to say a proper goodbye to me? I just don't understand. I mean I get the whole 'men don't show emotion like women' thing but couldn't he at least show me he gives a fuck? Even a little one? Am I over analyzing this? I don't know. I do know that I left the hospital to go home because I was lonely and even tho I felt like he could care less whether I lived or died, I wanted to make the loneliness go away. I came home and he was playing Xbox and had little interest in my being, so I went upstairs and went to bed.
As I climbed into bed alone, I realized I am chasing a dream. I gave up the person who loved me like I wanted to be loved because I was so busy chasing a dream I didn't see it until I didn't have it anymore.

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.
Buddha

Tired

I really wish I could find another job. I hate my boss. She is such a bitch. She will make mistakes and I will correct them but if I make one it becomes a federal case! And the mistakes I make are correctable and some of them she should be double checking anyway because that's her job! But no. She talks to me like I am a dog and she is one of the biggest bullies I have ever met. She should in no way be in a position of power and no matter how many times I have talked to HR about the situation they always tell me to find a way to work with her. Can you believe that shit??
One day she stood in my doorway and screamed at me. HR said Well try to find a way to work with her. Ugh!!

Sometimes..

Update: Jan just told me after a month and 1/2 she has moved in with her BF Drew....

Her daughter who is 9 is living with her and him but not her son who is 16. He lives with 'friends' she said...

She has a house in a different town and I believe she is gonna let it get repossesed. I asked if she was gonna sell it. She said no she 'was' trying to rent it.

I am so confused by some humans...thought ya'll might like that update.