Tired

I really wish I could find another job. I hate my boss. She is such a bitch. She will make mistakes and I will correct them but if I make one it becomes a federal case! And the mistakes I make are correctable and some of them she should be double checking anyway because that's her job! But no. She talks to me like I am a dog and she is one of the biggest bullies I have ever met. She should in no way be in a position of power and no matter how many times I have talked to HR about the situation they always tell me to find a way to work with her. Can you believe that shit??
One day she stood in my doorway and screamed at me. HR said Well try to find a way to work with her. Ugh!!

Sometimes..

Update: Jan just told me after a month and 1/2 she has moved in with her BF Drew....

Her daughter who is 9 is living with her and him but not her son who is 16. He lives with 'friends' she said...

She has a house in a different town and I believe she is gonna let it get repossesed. I asked if she was gonna sell it. She said no she 'was' trying to rent it.

I am so confused by some humans...thought ya'll might like that update.

Nine-Eleven

So, Tuesday my husband and I spent the day at the Uproar Festival in

Raleigh NC. It was awesome!! We saw so many great bands! I got to meet and get a picture with Thousand Foot Krutch! Omg! So exciting for me! They are super nice guys too!

Anyway, I want to bitch about an old skool practice I saw going on. I

was standing at the back gate, where the bands walk by so I could see Sully from Godsmack and get his pic, maybe. As I stood there this guy walked up with 4 women. I looked at him and he had a shirt on that said 'Horneytown Fire Dept'. He walked into the gate and turned to the big guy guarding it and said '4'. And then I watched these four whores (and I am just using that word because they were definitely gonna be fucking back there) walk by. That's when I got pissed off. I had some bit of respect for Sully, I mean I saw Godsmack in a tiny venue in Daytona with a couple of my friends about 12 years ago. I could touch him, I might have....they were playing with this other band who I think was called STP-9000 or something like that. Anyway, I really hope that he wasn't part of that whole slutty crew. One of the girls had a drum stick that I just saw get thrown from the stage by the drummer of Godsmack so I know they were being led back to that band. What I want to know is just because these girls look good does not mean that they can hold any kind of conversation, don't you want to talk to the person a bit before she sucks you off?? I mean I'm not a guy so I don't know these things.

I dunno, maybe as I get older I think that is a bit cliche. I mean you hear about it but I never thought I'd see it first hand. Maybe it's just me getting older....I have to ask myself I guess, if I had fake boobs, weighed 2 pounds, was 20 years younger and had hair extensions would I go back stage if I was picked out of the crowd? And my answer is yes, dammit. And all that does is re-affirm to me that I was/am jealous of those bitches! Dammit!

Not because I want to have sex with the band, no. I just want to meet those guys, say hai, talk about random shit and just hang out. I guess I need to go ahead and put that dream in the closet. Not gonna happen.

Well, it was a good day anyway and it was a nice way to remember.

By the way this is my fave song from TFK!

Baby Showers?

   So at the end of last month I received 3 invitations to baby showers. 2 of them were this weekend, one is tomorrow but I am going to the Uproar Festival which I bought tickets to months ago.
   Anyway..These showers have left me thinking about stuff that happened in my life. Sigh. At both showers there were several other pregnant women. Now don't get me wrong, by no means do I want to be pregnant or bring another child into being. BUT...the women I talked to asked about my kids. One of the women had had twins. Her twins are 13. Of course I only said I had 1 son but I have 2. And this is when I think about that day in Barnes & Noble when I should have went directly to the hospital. And the guilt kicks in.
   If.......what a fucked up English word and the feelings it evokes are tremendous. Like a tidal wave washing over me and I am just left to be sucked out to sea to drown in that word. If I had went to the hospital that day, my other son would be alive today. If I had went to the hospital that day, I wouldn't have left a trail of destruction behind me. If I had went to the hospital that day my life would be different.
   I'm not saying I don't like my life now, I do. But god, I hurt so many people because of one fucked up moment, one poor decision on my part, one if.
    On February 21st 1999, I sat in Barnes & Noble with my (ex)husband and my daughter reading a magazine. I felt something in my abdomen. Ahh..braxton hicks contractions, yep, that's what I thought. After all my babies aren't due for another month. The next day as I lay on the couch, I could feel one baby move and not the other. I thought about it, but then stopped. He could be just resting. On Monday when I felt no movement I went to the hospital. They took a fetal heartbeat and only heard one heart, then they did an ultra sound. Oh my fucking god, what have I done?!?!?!?!
  Well, I won't get into that, can't. Not if I wanna make it thru the day. But let me just say that the hate I had (still have some) for myself, took me down a path of self destruction and at the time I didn't care who I took down that road with me. And so what happened? I destroyed my marriage, another marriage, left my kids and basically hurt everyone who cared about me. Got in fights, drank my pain away, got a dui, went to jail, threw my career away.....ah good times.
   For those of you that know me and those that don't, I am a big girl, tall and mean looking, I exude a scariness. Or so I have been told. Many times...'I would hate to get into it with Tammie' but ya know what? That's not me. I have a hard shell but inside I am melted butter. I am not good at life so I hide. I fake it. I'll let you know when I have made it. Until then, please don't invite me to any more baby showers. I truely am happy for all of you that are blessed with life but I don't want to relive any of my past and these things are blunt reminders.

Stop chasing shadows, just enjoy the ride.

I like driving. I don't like the car I have now. Some of you know that I used to have a pimp 300zx to bee-bop about in but the fucking lousy neighbor across the street doesn't know how to use a flippin parking break so his jeep made my 300 go to car heaven. Yes I am bitter about it. And now I have a real grocery getter, soccer scooter and I hate it. Absolutely and for reals. I do shit just to try to break it. I slam the gas pedal to the floor when every light turns green. I drive over speed bumps like I stole it. And it still lives....I know I am being bratty. I have a car and should be appreciative, right? I like going fast. This car does not go fast. No. I talked to my husband about getting a sporty car and he said next year! Dammit! I know....brat.

Does anyone still go on MySpace anymore? Well I found something I blogged back then and it is still relevant so I am reposting here. Enjoy!

So if you had 24 hours to live and you knew it......what would you do?



Would you think about all the time you wasted in your life, doing things that were bullshit, saying things that were bullshit and living life in the bullshit? Pretending to be happy your whole life when you never were?

Who would you tell "I am sorry I wasted my life and was never able to be with you"?
What about "I hate you and wish I had never spent so much time looking at you"?
Would you tell a "friend" that you loved them or hated them?


Why do people waste so much time on bullshit.....life is what you make of it and it seems like we all love being in bullshit.



I'll tell you what I would do......
Get in my car, tell people I love that I love them and never sleep or stop laughing or smiling until I was dead.
And since no one is going to ever tell me I have 24 hours left to live, I am going to live now and never look back. The petty shit can wait till I am dead......I suggest you all do the same.
And I had this comment from a friend which I think is so awesome:

Too many people waste their time figuring out how they are going to live. Choose how it is you will die and the life style will fall into place.
5 years ago