Baby Showers?

   So at the end of last month I received 3 invitations to baby showers. 2 of them were this weekend, one is tomorrow but I am going to the Uproar Festival which I bought tickets to months ago.
   Anyway..These showers have left me thinking about stuff that happened in my life. Sigh. At both showers there were several other pregnant women. Now don't get me wrong, by no means do I want to be pregnant or bring another child into being. BUT...the women I talked to asked about my kids. One of the women had had twins. Her twins are 13. Of course I only said I had 1 son but I have 2. And this is when I think about that day in Barnes & Noble when I should have went directly to the hospital. And the guilt kicks in.
   If.......what a fucked up English word and the feelings it evokes are tremendous. Like a tidal wave washing over me and I am just left to be sucked out to sea to drown in that word. If I had went to the hospital that day, my other son would be alive today. If I had went to the hospital that day, I wouldn't have left a trail of destruction behind me. If I had went to the hospital that day my life would be different.
   I'm not saying I don't like my life now, I do. But god, I hurt so many people because of one fucked up moment, one poor decision on my part, one if.
    On February 21st 1999, I sat in Barnes & Noble with my (ex)husband and my daughter reading a magazine. I felt something in my abdomen. Ahh..braxton hicks contractions, yep, that's what I thought. After all my babies aren't due for another month. The next day as I lay on the couch, I could feel one baby move and not the other. I thought about it, but then stopped. He could be just resting. On Monday when I felt no movement I went to the hospital. They took a fetal heartbeat and only heard one heart, then they did an ultra sound. Oh my fucking god, what have I done?!?!?!?!
  Well, I won't get into that, can't. Not if I wanna make it thru the day. But let me just say that the hate I had (still have some) for myself, took me down a path of self destruction and at the time I didn't care who I took down that road with me. And so what happened? I destroyed my marriage, another marriage, left my kids and basically hurt everyone who cared about me. Got in fights, drank my pain away, got a dui, went to jail, threw my career away.....ah good times.
   For those of you that know me and those that don't, I am a big girl, tall and mean looking, I exude a scariness. Or so I have been told. Many times...'I would hate to get into it with Tammie' but ya know what? That's not me. I have a hard shell but inside I am melted butter. I am not good at life so I hide. I fake it. I'll let you know when I have made it. Until then, please don't invite me to any more baby showers. I truely am happy for all of you that are blessed with life but I don't want to relive any of my past and these things are blunt reminders.